Friday, January 9, 2009

just thinking...should i?

my father holding me for a picture in a refugee camp

So it's been a few years [4 to be exact] since i've spoken to my father. He doesn't know where i reside, he doesn't have a number to reach me because i don't have any of those articles for him. But i wonder if this will be the year i send him an email or something and start to have a relationship with him. i've been thinking about this since my birthday [which was Nov 20 for future notice...and i accept belated gifts ;) ] and it always becomes more thought of around this time [mom's birthday].

I'm really debating wether or not i really want to get back in contact with him. My brother recently received a phone call from my father and he told me it was like ressurecting the dead, to hear a voice that has been non existant for so long.

I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of this

I get a dad back in my life.
kids get to meet their grand father

i'm going to really have to come to grips with issues i have with him
i'm going to have to completely forgive him [i say i have but i mean it's easy to forgive when the person isn't around...because there are no actions to prove otherwise...this really isn't a con]
i'm going to have to hear it from my moms if/when she finds out i'm speaking with my father. [and it's not like the "Oh I hate your father" talk...she still loves dude after everything...which i have vowed will not be my case if that situation were to ever occur to me...sorry babe.]

okay so maybe i'm still not really ready. and i dont want my pops to think that i'm just getting in contact with him for monetary gain or to get a piece of his estate or any of that foolishness. I just miss having a dad...


DeAnne said...

though I'm not exactly sure why my brother won't have contact with me, I think that my stepmother has everything to do with it and despite the fact that I am beyond furious that we have not spoken in three years, he's my brother and I miss him. we didn't even have a fight he just called out of the blue and said that he'd no longer speak to me.

I'm sure it's something deep that's kept you away from your father and the healing process cannot be an easy one but the truth is that even if only as a genetic contribution; you would not be who you are today if it weren't for him. my unsolicited advice is that as soon as you're almost ready make the move, even if you block the number but just because it's probably the right thing to do.

The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™ said...

Well damn, I can relate to this junt.. my father and I have no relationship whatsoever, so I can't miss what I never had, but at the same time part of me wonders what it must be like to have one..

Dude sent me a text on new years completely out the blue.. talk about an awkward moment..

D.Or said...

well there is not much to say to talk to him. its weird cuz when i talked to him, he just didn't talk about the elephant in the room. given we were in an airport due to the layover, but still he trys to talk to you but wants you to say things to him and doesn't really talk to you. but i guess i could be interpreting it wrong. ultimately it is your choice and up to you to totally talking to him. good luck.

agompsy was my word verification

Ms_Slim said...

I'm pretty sure you don't know me from Adam lol but I got you from "Bozack's" blog. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing and I really hope everything works out for you in the future with you and your dad...

asia kismet said...

thank you all for some insights.

deanne: i'll send a prayer your way.

bozack: it's a shame how these fathers do us...but i've learned the art of breaking cycles...and i'm sure you have as well

daniel: yeah i still dont think i'm ready

ms slim: thank you for your positive light. and nice to meet cha ;)